Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Did I do this right
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk