Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
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Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.