I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.