News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
#SCOTUS one-star review
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
awkward
japanese corn
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute