You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.