If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
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If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone