Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
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my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
concern
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”