(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Discuss
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off