For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
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nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox