COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
choose your gary
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults