(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
You Might Also Like
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Genius idea!!
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
me hitting on a model
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please