I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
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Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Story of my life…..
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Dear Lord..
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets