SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.