My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.