My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Look, I respect the skill. But no.