[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Don’t talk down to me
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Raisins are grape jerky.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.