dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
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I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
goldfish mafia
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.