Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password