I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
a fate I wish upon no one
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search