“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Accurate
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?