Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
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And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
They did not miss in the small print
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Somewhere in an alternate universe
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free