Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.