No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
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They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
These aliens are taking forever.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.