goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
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I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Proctology is located in A55
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this