I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Bruh PLEASE
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.