The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
that de-escalated quickly
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.