I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
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No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Passed by a old school Math example today.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.