If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
wish me luck lads
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
is it earth