Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Guilty! 🤪
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.