True?
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me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
just witnessed a drug deal
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field