Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
*gets down on one knee*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Can Happiness buy money?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.