The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
You Might Also Like
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids