had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
You Might Also Like
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.