been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
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I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I feel it
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree