[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.