My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
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The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Yup
The Onion called it…again.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Me My dog
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts