“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”