breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
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I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
very niche meme I made
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Guantanamo Bae
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.