Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
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“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
For the ones in the back.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
so i’m at the stock market right
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?