fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
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[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication