*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
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Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My dog learned how to text
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I need this for my side hustle.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?