My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
That eye roll….
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.