Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
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Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind