Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
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Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready