“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I am yelling
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.