When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
not to brag, but mine was free
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know