Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
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ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.