Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?