Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
You Might Also Like
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me buying fruit and veg
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole