Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
The news is so predictable nowadays
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.